Twelve Puzzling Things

No one can argue that these twelve things aren't just fucking ridiculous.

(1) Peter Jackson's aversion to the finest music ever created. It took three goddamned movies to capture the essence of J.R.R. Tolkien's masterwork The Lord of the Rings Trilogy (a total of 40 or so hours of viewing) and not a single fucking note of Led Zeppelin to be heard. No Zeppelin means no Gandalf motherfuckers.

(2) Jamie Lee Curtis. I bet her house smells like Funyuns and hermaphroditic nutsack. She is easily the creepiest person alive.

(3) Mormons.

(4) Texas. The whole state. Even Austin, Live Music Capital of the World, sucks the shit out of my ass now that the Bush skanks have been there. The only person who could have saved it is Stevie Ray (bless him). I would personally prefer just going to Juarez to hang out with the drug lords.

(5) Mormons who reside in Texas. "Daddy, I don't think the court-appointed Social 

Worker would approve of this position, even if it is missionary."

(6) The most genuinely entertaining show on television is not around anymore. The Kids in the Hall was absolute poetry. People who didn't get off on this show should be sent immediately to Iraq. I haven't even seen the re-runs for quite some time and it's almost too much to deal with.

(7) Time magazine's latest 1/2 page about modern day pirates (http://http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1828332,00.html). If there was ever a subject that was owed more than what a shitty little rag like time could give it, it is the subject of pirates. I knew a pirate once. No shit, I met him in Australia where he had fled from an angry neighbor who once lived next to him on one of the 700+ islands in the Philippines. His name--loosely translated--meant 'Crazy Bat' and he certainly lived up to it. He was short, psychotic and had a lust for fat women, goat meat and amphetamines. If I were the goofy jerkoff who wrote the piece I would seriously reconsider my profession. Churn out any more crap like this and a greasy little mutant like Crazy Bat might just turn up on your doorstep. Take a lesson from Hunter S. Thompson and his experience with the Hell's Angels: professional killers and drug fiends generally like their story told a certain way, and that is usually not the smart-ass Ivy League way. I would ditch the figures and historical facts and focus on raw pirate potential.

(9) People named Timothy. Every Timothy I have ever known was just plain fucking feeble. I cannot back this up (because I don't work for Time and I can't regularly converse with the geniuses who work there), but I would guess that the most common name amongst pedophiles is most likely Timothy, or Timmy, or just Tim--if you're into the whole brevity thing. Any name that marries so nicely to 'Tiny' is just not my flavor of meat.

(10) Grown white men who insist that they are Indians. The next one I see driving around with a dreamcatcher hanging from his rear view mirror had better be prepared to produce a tribal identification card--without hesitating. If not, he will experience something akin to having 'Crazy Bat' tear his nuts off. I suppose I would let him off the hook if he could cough up an employee badge from a local reservation casino. I am sick of the "White Hawk" Johnsons of the world feeling as though they are actually fooling anyone. I hate to be the heavy, but the frequently reported 'Cherokee Great, Great Grandmother' on your dad's side doesn't translate into full-blown Indian-hood. Get ready Billie Jack, I'm coming for you.

(11) Computers that will spell-flag a nasty word but give no alternate spelling. I guess this is just too family-friendly for me, and perhaps a bit of refusal to accept reality on the part of software engineers and computer manufacturers. I think they should invest in some research (maybe reach out to the dipshit cock-smokers at Time) about what most home computers are ultimately used for. I assure you they aren't purchased exclusively for Googling passages from the King James Bible or scouring Craigslist. Well, maybe the Women Seeking Women section. Think smut, I always do.

(12) Jay Leno. I wish he would choke on a Dorito. You can have the cackling faggot that plays guitar in the band too.