Need justice? Is there a person in your life that just pisses you off? Don't want to get caught exacting your revenge? Are you a sneaky bastard with few scruples? Are you a college student in a dormitory situation?
If you answered yes to the questions above, then I have a solution for you. My answer to your problems will satisfy your desire to enforce a covert agony. I guarantee that if you follow my method, step by step, your special asshole will find him/herself wondering how it happened to them. They will panic. They will invariably run through a terrifying list of scenarios before arriving at the conclusion that they are the victim of subterfuge--and deservedly so. This is undoubtedly the most simple terrorism around, and it works.
Before we begin, I must warn you that what is presented here is exclusively for deviants with little moral fiber. In the business of fucking with your enemies you must learn to shed your hesitations at the door. Once you commit you must follow through. Otherwise, you run the risk of turning into that which you seek to humiliate: a pussy of the rankest order. Be strong, know that it's worth every uncomfortable moment, and most importantly--follow through. You will not only achieve the desired effect, you will have a great story to share for the rest of your pathetic, unoriginal life.
Here we go:
(1) Gather several shallow containers. I recommend empty tuna or shoe polish cans. My personal favorite is used Kiwi shoe polish containers because they are the perfect depth. Remember to gather enough containers to hold a full bladder of urine--this will prevent the dreaded cock pinch while you are mid-stream. If you are female, I recommend finding a male friend to fill the containers for you. Otherwise, lay the containers on a towel first.
(2) Measure the door to the mark's dorm room. You are interested in the gap between the bottom of the door itself and the floor. If you do not have at least 1/4 inch then you are out of luck. Most dormitories feature at least this much of a gap from the bottom of the door.
(3) Transfer this measurement onto the inside of your chosen containers. Be careful to mark this depth clearly with a marker. This is the 'fill' line. Do not overfill. Your urine will expand just slightly as it freezes, but not enough to make a difference in going under the door.
(4) Carefully place all filled cans in the freezer. Be careful not to spill the contents on your New Kids on the Block t-shirt. The smell and discoloration would be hard to explain. Allow contents to freeze until solid. This may take a couple of days, depending on what you have had to drink prior to filling. (I recommend drinking lots of coffee and drinking very little water. Also, eat as much asparagus as possible. The smellier your stream the better. Shoot for orange.)
(5) Remove your containers and examine the contents. Each 'puck' should be solid. Replace in freezer until you are ready for the attack (which would ideally occur after the mark returns to the dorm shit-faced after a night out at the local sausage factory).
(6) After all lights have been turned out, and you are satisfied that the mark is sleeping soundly in an alcoholic coma, take your containers out of the freezer. Let them sit at room temperature for around five minutes. This will allow for the pucks to pop out of the cans easily. If you experience a fracture (typically happens to little girls who deserve to be picked-on) just collect the fragments and soldier on.
(7) Approach mark's door. Slide pucks under door. You are going for the area directly under the target's bed. This will ensure that the mark will not only be confused about the origin of the puddle of urine, but also that he/she will likely place their feet directly in it when they wake up.
(8) Make sure you wake up before the target. Position yourself in a place where you are sure to at least hear the racket when the victim places their bare feet in the piss. If you are exceptionally bold, place digital recording instruments in such a manner that they can capture the end result for later enjoyment.
(9) Wait at least a month before approaching the mark. Casually ask if they have had any bladder control issues in the recent weeks. At first, they may just attribute such a question to your usual stupid personality, but after thinking on it they may just realize that you have fucked them hard and fast. Like a cheerleader in the back of muscle car--on sticky vinyl seats.
(10) Publish digital audio record of the incident on any/all web terminals that you have access to. E-mail sound clips to mark's girl/boyfriend. Call mark Mr. Pee Pants at regular intervals.
My friends this is how it's done. The only bad part is that you didn't think of this yourself. You would be amazed at how handy a piss jug can be in the right hands. Never be without one--never let your urine go to waste on something like a toilet, or the neighbor's flowerbed. In the next installment of Revenge we will discuss the perfect marriage of turds and mailboxes.
All the Best,
L.H.
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